Only a mothe r could love this liver
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
