I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
