that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
cat food counts as protein by the way
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
