if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
