You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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