I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
