Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
