For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
