Your face is a jimmy john
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
