hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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