Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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