so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
