I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
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Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
