I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
