I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
All the doctor said was why
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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