my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He did a backflip because drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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