I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
