everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Randomize
