We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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