My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my being single is dangerous.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
