The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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