Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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