The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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