I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
