Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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