That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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