i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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