I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
false alarm. still invincible.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
