Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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