"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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