I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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