also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
