saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
