If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
