why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
