Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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