Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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