I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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