i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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