You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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