His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
