i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize