If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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