Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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