I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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