Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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