God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
