I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
