I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
