Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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